Cook Times May Vary

A man once said "A watched pot never boils." Which is scientifically impossible...

...okay so he's a dumbass and I'm very sorry for quoting him, but it brings to mind another term: "Cook times may vary."

We've read this term dozens of times on on boxes of insta-meals, back in the heady days where we could boil up some 5 minute rice and feel proud of ourselves for using the stove for something other than lighting a cigarette. But we (hopefully) have bought lighters and moved past this to tackle real, tangible cooking challenges. Still unfortunately the term sometimes escapes us, that is, the TRUE meaning.

"Cook times may vary" is a call to common sense; it is not merely a disclaimer from the manufacturer saying "Hey, you screw this up, don't come bitching to us...loser." It is the quote uttered when a person times the baking/broiling/grilling of something and then sets their house cat on fire because they weren't watching the pot. True, watching a pot boil is like watching Dirty Snails Get Busy 17 (see: snails fucking) and a bit tedious. But the rewards of maintaining kitchen vigilance are great.

I hate to be a downer and drop this kitchen safety on you so early in my blog's life but it's getting to be a bit discouraging to hear "oh dammit, I burned the (insert food here)" from people over and over like ther kitchen was the 2010 World Cup and they're the vuvuzela. So here are a few tips for bailing your ass out of a potential jam.

How Not to Fuck Yourself, part 1:

1. Don't leave the kitchen, ever: I'm sorry, but unless you drank a pot of coffee and are about to have a bladder rupture you stay at your station and hold the line. Don't be a wuss, if you need to wait for something to boil or simmer than grab a seat somewhere, smoke a cigarette, pour yourself a drink of water, whatever. Especially when it comes to making puddings or gravies where temprature modulation is key. This should be a person that don't give head(see: no-brainer) but people biff this one everyday. No lie, I've boned this one up in the past, but the best way to learn this lesson is by reading about it, not by sifting through the ashes.

2. A panhandle isn't a beggar's scheme: Everyone rushes, I encourage you not to, but you're probably going to do it anyway because that's just how you roll isn't it Maverick? Moving quickly around the kitchen you're bound to bump into something whether it be stepping on a lazy cat's tail or in the dire case, tipping an exposed pan or pot handle. In this instance you'll likely spill it on yourself, getting a nasty scald leaving a burn mark that will NEVER go away and scarring you away from the kitchen for life (if you're a wuss) or even worse yet, spilling it all over the floor. So, keep pot and panhandles turned away from the edge of the stove, its the gift you give yourself and your food.

3. Clean as you go: This is something you're going to have to feel your way around. If you've got a half gallon of water to boil, you can use the interim to maybe wipe up around the kitchen. The countertop, your knives and utensils, etc. The exception to this is floor spills. Get that shit up or fall the fuck down right now! Its ultimately your call whether you want to slip in a puddle you created while your hands are full (and your hands are usually not empty in this situation) or take a moment to sop up your self-made booby-trap.

...lol, "booby" trap...

Furthermore, the benefit of this is that you're going to have less to clean up post-meal, which is awesome.

4. Prep is not just the type of kid who beat you up in school: Prep is drudgery, we know this. All the chopping, grating, utensil collecting, etc. can seem tedious but it is oh so necessary. Necessary to save valuable time on the burners and to keep you from having to look for the shit you should have already had out in front of you. Some things you'll have to keep refridgerated, but for that which you don't you have to make like Swizz Beats and Bring 'em Out. It's that simple, but people still continue to fuck this one up so I have to mention it.

So there you have it! Four tips for not going tits-up in the kitchen. Read and heed...