Becoming an Agricultural Super Power, Part 1: Grow Local, Feed Global

Alright, now I know you're used to my over-the-top rantings and recipes (of which I've been neglecting to post) but hear me out on this one. I have a proposal, if you will, for the United States to undertake...

...what if we became (again) an agricultural super power?

I understand the term agriculture drives one to think "Hmm, how about 'no'?" or "Well that sounds dull, why don't we do that 'war' thing because its badass and we're good at that kind of thing?" To be honest, when I hear about agriculture I think about slavery and not because I'm black (LIES!) but the ingloriousness of toiling in fields and so much more.

But we've all heard the "more guns than butter" debate, the United States is trying to create jobs and all the while we're importing our food that spends untold hours in customs only to spend more untold hours in stores. Then there's the issue of processed food and it goes on and on from there. But what if I told you it didn't have to be that way? That we could eat healthy, create jobs, build infrastructure and do all of this in our own towns? Or on a slightly larger scale, our states?

Senator Jon Tester's proposal to Taco Bell (you know, the fake meat guys?) was a simple one: Start getting their meat from Montana cattle ranchers instead of dealing with the nasty shit they were originally dealing with. Thereby creating jobs, lowering the cost they were spending on their brown spicy couch cushion foam meat and bolstering their greasy reputation (see what I did there?) Of course this makes me wonder exactly how big the beef industry is up in big sky country and what effect it has on local cuisine...Oh how I wonder...

...although according to recent polls, this might not slow them down at all...

But to expand on this idea; why don't we all start doing this? Imagine home grown foods, easy on the pocket and a whole lot more fresh than those "hecho en Mexico" naranjas del diablo (devil's oranges) you bought from the guy on the corner...?

...it only "looks" promising...

In Part 2, I'll explain how supporting your local food producers (not just the restaurants) can help you in the long term.

The Holy Trinity: Cooking with Creole Seasoning

Yellow Onions, Green Bell Pepper, Celery, Green Onions, Parsley, Garlic...

You're probably thinking somewhere between "What is this I don't even..?" and "Well that means what to me?" Then again you may be looking at the ingredients above and think "Too long; didn't read."

Well fuck your shit, because pictured above is the best thing that's happened to my New Orleans home kitchen in a long time. Not since the advent of ceramic knives have I beheld such an asset, such a joy...such a time saver! This is the "Guidry's" brand of "creole seasoning" a conglomeration of the above ingredients, minced, and placed in a plastic bucket. This is not a paid advertisement, this is as real an account as I can give without sensationalizing.

The "Holy Trinity" of creole cooking involves Onions, Garlic, Parsley and Peppers, the "trinity" part is merely a namesake referring to the four points of the cross. Theological mentions aside, it isn't just for your damn gumbo.

...stupid, stupid gumbo...

Or at least not anymore. As you'll find, many of my recipes involve just such a seasoning. Now I know you're probably saying "Trinity? Seasoning? It's not a seasoning and there's more than three; why do I need this in my kitchen?" Well I'll ask you this: Who likes mincing this shit by hand? Oh, I didn't see any hands raised. I suppose you're going to have to look into this then. Because seriously, while prep is difficult, it doesn't have to be THAT difficult. You don't want to waste all your cooking time mincing this stuff the night you plan to use it. You'll be chopping lots and lots of onions which will inevitably make you cry like a damn 5-year-old girl and you really won't want to cook anymore after mincing all of the above together. A simpler way would be putting it into a food processor/blender for a light chop. But in either case, you want to keep a good amount of this stuff around for whenever the mood strikes you. Its a definite pinch-hitter for when you find yourself asking "Hmm...what can I add to this meal to make it not lame?"

I planned to make this one brief and as promised I shall; provided you promise to take a day out to find this stuff at your produce section or, if unavailable, make it and throw it in your fridge. The possibilities for this stuff are endless and beautiful. I literally find new uses for this stuff every day...I shit you not my fine readership.

So if ever you need to throw something different into your potato salad, or soup, or even your goddamn omelet (if you're a novice/bachelor) you can do a lot worse than using this simple little collection of minced goodness. Don't gamble on a mediocre meal, don't be a sissy. Try something new; try making and then using creole seasoning. Your food and your guests will thank you.

(Too long; Didn't read: use creole seasoning, its good shit!)

Cook Times May Vary

A man once said "A watched pot never boils." Which is scientifically impossible...

...okay so he's a dumbass and I'm very sorry for quoting him, but it brings to mind another term: "Cook times may vary."

We've read this term dozens of times on on boxes of insta-meals, back in the heady days where we could boil up some 5 minute rice and feel proud of ourselves for using the stove for something other than lighting a cigarette. But we (hopefully) have bought lighters and moved past this to tackle real, tangible cooking challenges. Still unfortunately the term sometimes escapes us, that is, the TRUE meaning.

"Cook times may vary" is a call to common sense; it is not merely a disclaimer from the manufacturer saying "Hey, you screw this up, don't come bitching to us...loser." It is the quote uttered when a person times the baking/broiling/grilling of something and then sets their house cat on fire because they weren't watching the pot. True, watching a pot boil is like watching Dirty Snails Get Busy 17 (see: snails fucking) and a bit tedious. But the rewards of maintaining kitchen vigilance are great.

I hate to be a downer and drop this kitchen safety on you so early in my blog's life but it's getting to be a bit discouraging to hear "oh dammit, I burned the (insert food here)" from people over and over like ther kitchen was the 2010 World Cup and they're the vuvuzela. So here are a few tips for bailing your ass out of a potential jam.

How Not to Fuck Yourself, part 1:

1. Don't leave the kitchen, ever: I'm sorry, but unless you drank a pot of coffee and are about to have a bladder rupture you stay at your station and hold the line. Don't be a wuss, if you need to wait for something to boil or simmer than grab a seat somewhere, smoke a cigarette, pour yourself a drink of water, whatever. Especially when it comes to making puddings or gravies where temprature modulation is key. This should be a person that don't give head(see: no-brainer) but people biff this one everyday. No lie, I've boned this one up in the past, but the best way to learn this lesson is by reading about it, not by sifting through the ashes.

2. A panhandle isn't a beggar's scheme: Everyone rushes, I encourage you not to, but you're probably going to do it anyway because that's just how you roll isn't it Maverick? Moving quickly around the kitchen you're bound to bump into something whether it be stepping on a lazy cat's tail or in the dire case, tipping an exposed pan or pot handle. In this instance you'll likely spill it on yourself, getting a nasty scald leaving a burn mark that will NEVER go away and scarring you away from the kitchen for life (if you're a wuss) or even worse yet, spilling it all over the floor. So, keep pot and panhandles turned away from the edge of the stove, its the gift you give yourself and your food.

3. Clean as you go: This is something you're going to have to feel your way around. If you've got a half gallon of water to boil, you can use the interim to maybe wipe up around the kitchen. The countertop, your knives and utensils, etc. The exception to this is floor spills. Get that shit up or fall the fuck down right now! Its ultimately your call whether you want to slip in a puddle you created while your hands are full (and your hands are usually not empty in this situation) or take a moment to sop up your self-made booby-trap.

...lol, "booby" trap...

Furthermore, the benefit of this is that you're going to have less to clean up post-meal, which is awesome.

4. Prep is not just the type of kid who beat you up in school: Prep is drudgery, we know this. All the chopping, grating, utensil collecting, etc. can seem tedious but it is oh so necessary. Necessary to save valuable time on the burners and to keep you from having to look for the shit you should have already had out in front of you. Some things you'll have to keep refridgerated, but for that which you don't you have to make like Swizz Beats and Bring 'em Out. It's that simple, but people still continue to fuck this one up so I have to mention it.

So there you have it! Four tips for not going tits-up in the kitchen. Read and heed...

German Shepherd's Pie

Everyone likes pie. That is just about everyone. But it comes in so many delicious and terribly delectable variations that you're bound to find at least one you love. On the other hand, pie takes work. A level of work that most people are disinclined to acquiesce to. But I know you, you're different. You're an individual who desires nothing more than to make a fine meal for friends and family.

You, good sir/madam, want to make my interpretation of a classic: German Shepherds Pie.

Now you may ask "Hey Rey, why do you call it 'German' Shepherd's Pie?" To which I'm inclined to answer "Hey! When you put your own spin on a timeless mealtime classic you can call it whatever you want!"

But anyway, here's the shit you're gonna need.

Shit needed:

1 lb ground beef (85/15 preferrably...unless you like to be a fatty)

2 cups shredded cheddar cheese

6 yukon gold potatoes

2 tsp salt

1 tbsp pepper

1 cup minced onions, green/red bell peppers, parsley
(you can also get creole seasoning and save yourself the trouble)

1 tbsp olive oil

1 cup sliced mushrooms (don't be a sissy, slice your own mushrooms)

2 cups cream (that's heavy cream, not half and half...I'm not messing with you
on this one, you better use heavy cream I mean it!)

1 can cream of mushroom soup, condensed (for christ's sake, don't you dare put water
in that soup. Just leave it alone, okay?)

Directions (Please read before you set your house on fire):

In a large pot filled with water, place your seven diced potatoes in and set to high heat for boiling/softening. You want to boil them until they're mashable, about ten minutes or so. You'll know you're good to go when you see the little starch foam appear on the surface of the water. Drain the pot, taking care not to drop potato chunks (or scald yourself) in the process. I suggest the use of a collander...but that's just me.

After drainage, pour in your 2 cups of sharp cheddar (you did get the grated kind, right. Oh lord, please tell me you did.) the 2 cups of heavy cream, that lovely 1 tsp of salt and begin to mash the hell out of it. (BROTIP: If you can afford it, get a hand mixer...tennis elbow is a hassle). You're going to want to mash this to a creamy consistency, just like you would any batch of mashed potatoes.

Using your cast-iron 10" pan, drop that 1 tbsp of olive oil and set the heat to a medium. Add the pound of ground beef, the 1 cup of diced mushrooms, 1 tbsp pepper, 1tsp salt and 1 cup of diced onions/green/red peppers/parsley (creole seasoning) followed by plopping that can of cream of mushroom soup (condensed, without the water). When the beef is properly and evenly browned, drain that pan and you're ready for the FINAL SOLUTION involving the oven...

...it's funny, a lot of so-called "final solutions" involve ovens...anyway...

I'm going to count on you to have preheated your oven to 375-degrees Farenheit. While this lovely operation is being conducted, spread the mashed potatoes evenly on top of that ground beef of yours in the cast-iron pan. I would prefer you use a rubber spatula, but you know, whatever caulks your wagon and gets the job done. Now, place the evenly spread and layered mix into the oven, give it 20 minutes. When you see little golden brown accents here and there on the surface in addition to a firm crust; that's when you know its done. After removing it from the oven, let it set for ten minutes. Makes 8 servings.


So there you have it, enjoy!